The Naked Dream

Have you ever had that dream where you're standing in line at the grocery store and notice that you're totally naked? Or maybe your in class. Or maybe your getting on a plane. You get the point. Then in the dream you have this moment of recognition...you realize that you forgot to put your clothes on. How do you forget to put your clothes on? Who knows, it's a dream. Then you're desperately trying to cover yourself up, at least all the important areas. But it's already too late, you've been exposed this whole time. I think this dream defines one of our greatest fears...being exposed, your life undressed.
If every man were to wear the sins of their past on their sleeve, which man could judge. None. I being one of those men, know the hurt of their own mistakes. I found out yesterday that somebody knew something about me that I thought was long gone...poor decisions that I made almost 7 years ago. I feel like the man in the dream. I'm trying to cover up, but it's too late, I've been exposed this whole time. My friend and I talked for a while with honesty. His response was something like this, "thank you for sharing your life with me, thank you for showing me a part of your soul." Do you know how good that feels...to not be judged and only showered with love? It's like giving warm clothes and a blanket to the guy who just realizes he's been exposed this whole time.

Luxury Item

I have a luxury item that not many people have. In fact, it's extremely rare, only a small percent of the population have one. You can't buy one and there is no price tag for it. People who have one say they don't know how they lived without it for so long. Yet before they had it, they didn't feel like anything was missing. It's something you'll make sacrifices to keep, but there is always the reality that someday it might go missing. It's something most people don't think about or even strive to obtain. The hidden value is in how you take care of it. Sometimes you forget your luxury item is even there. Then in a moment, when you need it most, it's there...waiting in your driveway...offering you a....smoke?
What is this luxury item you ask, it's a best friend that lives next door. I'm so blessed to have my best friend Israel live only a few houses away. We share a truck, a fax machine, a lawnmower, and just about anything else the other person owns. Jill stops by their house on the way to the park. I go over their to borrow stove top stuffing. Israel calls about getting butter at 11:30pm. There is enough distance to have your own space, yet be close enough to call at any time and say, "hey man, what-ch you doing right now, let's go to sonic." It is the good life. But the best thing about Israel living so close, when I need time to think and vent about life, I call him up, we go get a few drinks, and we just sit around and reflect. There is no questions or judgement, just a sympathetic ear. Good, godly advice is hard to come by. Good, godly friends are even harder to come by. Good, godly friends that live a stones throw away is a total luxury item. If you don't have one of these, put it on your wish list.

PS. I'll talk more about Jill and I in days to come. It's nothing serious, just a part of married life. PSS Shannon, thanks for the kind words

half way serious

For anybody in a committed relationship, do you ever have those moments where the night is going perfect...almost too perfect. There is laughter in the air. Jokes are flowing freely. Engaging conversation is easy. Then all of a sudden, one person says something that is half way serious and half way joking, but the other person only hears it being half way serious. The laughter has stopped. The jokes are more like accusations. And the conversation has turned to cold shoulder silence. How does it happen so fast? Well, right now I'm down stairs typing and Jill is upstairs watching TV. Need I say more. This sucks!!! I guess I should go upstairs and figure this whole mess out.

(30 minutes later)

Well that didn't work out very well. Jill and I are both pretty frustrated. I'm feeling pretty insecure right now. I know she still loves me, it just comes out awkwardly, maybe even misguided. Why do we say such hurtful things?

Guilty Pleasures

So earlier I realized that today is monday and two of my favorite shows are on tonight. The first is MTV's the Hills, and second is GSN's High Stakes Poker. I would consider these guilty pleasures. Things I'm not proud to admit that I like. So I thought I would make a top ten list of my personal guilty pleasures starting with:

1.The Hills – that Heidi is such a skeez
2.I cry during Extreme Home Makeover about 40 percent of the time
3.Poker - Nole is the only one who truly gets this side of me
4.I always laugh when Dylan accidently says cuss words.
5.The five spot at Matt’s and LoLo’s chicken and waffles, why don’t you just give me an IV drip of Crisco.
6.Kelly Clarkson
7. Since I’ve gone this far, I’ve seen every episode of every season of American Idol.
8.An occasional Camel Turkish Silver with the fellas.
9. de-pants-ing Jill when she’s washing her face...I'm laughing out loud thinking about it. It’s innocent, keep it clean people.
10. I order every UFC event, even if I watch it alone

Oh yah, I thought of an eleventh
11. pretending to be asleep when Jill wants me to change a diaper, a bunch of guilt but even more pleasure

Don't leave me hangin here, what do you guys got?

"Why can't you just be normal"

"Why can't you just be normal" is what my wife said to me in the car tonight. She was referring to the party I'm planning for my newly bachelor-ized friend. A good friend of mine has been going through the divorce process for the last 3 1/2 years and is finalizing his work here in the next week. I know this should be a time of reflection, maybe even solitude, but I want to do something that is going to celebrate this new chapter in his life. So I'm throwing him a party. Now a normal party would be some food and drinks, mixed together with funny stories. But I have a tendency to go over broad on everything I do. What could be simple, dare I say, "normal" has now escalated into something much more substantial. (I don't want to talk about it now because he might be reading, check back in on Saturday, I'll have pictures) This has been the pattern of my life. My curse is that I can't ever be normal. I've always got to make it bigger and better, more people, louder, faster, higher, etc. Examples you say

Normal would be settling for the Mexico house that is "ocean accessible" and not beach front because we could save lots of money. Normal would be having tattoos that are hidden. Normal would be planning my best friend's 30 birthday party 2 weeks in advance instead of 8 months. Normal would be taking my wife out to dinner and a movie on her birthday. Normal people don't have a "Summer of Fun". (The last summer of fun was in 2005, I've been planning this Summer of Fun for 3 years now, I call it...Anticipate '08) Normal means buying the Toro lawnmower instead of the 3 speed, twin blade, self-propelled, hydrostatic drive, 21" commercial grade Honda mower with Roto-Stop BBC. BTW, I love my lawnmower, it's possibly the most awesome thing I own. Normal means buying two mains and one sub for the church sound system. Somehow we ended up with 4 mains and 8 subs.

Unfortunately with being "normal" I probably would have settled for an office job, working banker hours, always wishing I could be the guy wearing a t shirt to work. Normal would have told me that planting a church is too much work and too much heart ache. Normal should have quit a long time ago. Normal never would have tried and failed to be a professional musician...and normal would have always regretted it. Normal would never try to learn a new instrument at 30. Normal probably would have divorced Jill because we are so different instead of embrace all the ways she makes me happy. Normal never would have tried to build a car because normal was afraid to fail. Normal waits for life to happen instead of charging it head on. This is what makes me embrace my abnormal-ness. I don't want to go through life half-ass ed. I'm quoting my friend John Lynch in saying, "I love being alive, I love watching the sun rise, I love playing with my dog, I love taking walks with my wife, I love everything being alive has to offer." I too love being alive...I want to celebrate it every day. This is why I can't be normal.

Your Family

I think yesterday was the best thanksgiving I've had. Jill invited Ace and his girlfriend, Gayle, to come over for dinner last night. If you don't know who Ace is, read "it's my favorite sandwich in the whole world". I've got a ton of stories from last night, but I'll just share two.

I picked Ace and Gayle (that's Gayle with a "y", it's very important) up at 4:00. First thing I see is Ace wearing a shirt that says "fuck it all". Now I'm not terribly opposed to a shirt like this, sometimes that's exactly how I feel. Sometimes I wish I could wear a shirt like this. But I'd never have the guts to wear it out. Most likely whenever I get in a bad mood, I would put the shirt on, turn the lights out, sit in my closet and sulk. At least I could wear how I feel. Alright back to the story. At this particular moment, I didn't think the shirt would be deemed appropriate for Thanksgiving dinner. I politely told him that I didn't want to offend anyone in my family and asked him to turn it inside out. He totally understood but I think he was kind of bummed. I think he really likes that shirt, it's one of his newer ones. On the drive over Ace asked who was going to be there. I told him my family, Jill's family, and a couple from church. I could see from the look on his face that this is not what he was expecting. He says to me, "what about jeremiah", I reply, "no, he's going to be with his family", "and kevin" " no he's in california with family" "and israel" "no he's with family as well." I could tell that he thought this dinner was a church function. I said to him, "hey Ace, you know what?" he looked over at me, "it's Thanksgiving and you're spending it with your family as well." he paused for a moment "Thanks Mark"

During dinner time I was bouncing all around. I just wanted to serve Ace and Gayle. "Can I get you something, more turkey, more stuffing." I got no response a couple of times, so I guess that's a good thing. Ace had a glass of milk and Gayle a glass of apple juice. After Gayle had finished her's up, Jill asked, "can I get you some more juice". She responded, "no, I finished mine." Jill told her she could have more if she wanted. Gayle politely declined, "no, I finished mine." It occurred to me that she was not used to getting refills. Because when it's gone, it's gone. There's no more to have. These are the moments that break my heart.

I forgot, I got one more. I bought Ace a bike a couple of weeks ago. Nothing special, just a Walmart special. I know I know, Walmart is evil. But evil has bikes for only 59 dollars (Sam, I know, I'm the biggest hypocrite). I don't live under the law, but by grace. :) Ace had to exchange it for a new one because the last one broke (which Walmart is very good about, I kid I kid). I said to him, "are you going to take better care of this one?" Ace said, "I need to, it's special to me." "Is it because I gave it to you." "No, it's because God gave it to me." Ace, thanks for the reminder.

For some reason I feel like I'm a better Christian and a better person when I'm around him. He keeps me humble, I'm less consumeristic, he tells me I'm blessed, he makes me less selfish. Everybody needs an Ace in their life. This thanksgiving, I'm thankful for Ace.

what to say

Kevin, the guy I co-lead oneplace with, just had a grandmother pass away today. She had a stroke a couple of weeks back so it didn't come as a total surprise. But the process of watching someone pass is excruciating. My dad once said, it's like watching someone drown, you can't turn away and you can't do anything about it. I could sense the weight he has carried for his mom. I have aways struggled with what to say in these moments. CS Lewis talks about his wife passing away and says, "Offer me prays and love, I'll accept it...offer me religion and I shall assume you don't understand." Religion might give you factual answers, but it doesn't change the fact that thanksgiving is going to have sad memories, that kev and grandma will not get to share stories anymore, that kev's parents will cry more than they laugh over the next couple months. I once spent some time looking for hospice care. My mind was numb and I was feeling wore out from life. Before I left one of the facilities a guy said to me, "I'm sorry for what you are going through." I felt as if he related with my pain...like he had been through the process before. So now I've adopted the phrase as my own. It's my way of saying, I understand...I wish I could stop the pain. Kev, my heart is with you.

Wedding Bells

So this last weekend I got to perform the ceremony for some good friends of mine, Jared and Camilla. Each wedding ceremony I say something different. I thought I would post my favorite excerpt from this one.

"You know what I love about marriage? I love when one spouse is gone for only 4 hours and being told, "I missed you." I love falling asleep holding hands. I love it when one spouse wakes up at 2am and says, "I can't sleep, let's go get ice cream." You know what I love about marriage? I love staying up to watch a late night movie and simply fall asleep on the couch, because you don't have to drive home any more. I love it when the day was long and hard and your spouse whispers something that only you would understand, and for some reason, it makes things a little bit better. I love that marriage brings kids. I love that marriage is a commitment honored by God. I love that marriage gives you a companion that will run with your dreams, walk when you're tired, weep over your sadness, laugh when you tell jokes, and tell you over and over, "I love you" because it never gets old."

The irony is that I think my wife is mad at me right now. But it doesn't change how I feel. I still love being married. Jill, if you read this, I'm sorry.

it's my favorite sandwich in the whole world

Yesterday I decided to treat myself to a nice hearty lunch. Who am I kidding, everyday I treat myself to a nice hearty lunch. (which reminds me I've got to lose a few) Matt's Big Breakfast is one of my favorite local joints. They have this sandwich called the five spot. The five representing bread, a fried egg, cheese, bacon, and grilled onions. I know it sounds simple, but Jesus himself would call this sandwich divine. So around 11:30 I called in the order for a cup of chili and a five spot. I got my food and brought it back to the church. Now I have a decision to make, eat the five spot first or let it be the last tasty treat that goes down my gullet. I decided to savour the moment and eat it last. I was literally 2 bites away from finishing my chili when my favorite street friend, Ace, comes strolling through the door. "Hey Mark, Wha'ch ya doin" with a quiet melancholy reply, "eating lunch", "what's that you got", "chili", "no man, what's the box". Okay, you have to understand, I love Ace. A poor upbringing mixed with some bad decisions has made him homeless for 30 years. Our friendship is definitely honest and fruitful. I knew what he was going to ask next. "Hey bro, Can I have it?" And all the while echoes are going off in my ear "If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him or If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it." yeah blah blah blah, i really wanted that sandwich. But how can i say no. Of course I gave it to him. I think he ate in literally 20 seconds, it seemed like such an injustice. God, why am I so selfish? Please tell me. After he was done with the five spot, I said to Ace with a smile, "I really wanted that sandwich" You know what he said back to me, "I know, don't you hate it when that happens." For some reason I don't think he was talking about the sandwich anymore.