Have you ever tried eating with just your left hand (or your right hand if your left is the dominant hand)? It's really awkward. For some reason, if you have a knife in your right hand it feels natural. But if you only use your left hand to eat, you look like a new born giraffe trying to walk. Well, my wife went on a trip yesterday with Kati and Drea to Kansas City. That means I got Jett all to myself for the next few days. I feel like that amateur trying to eat with my left hand.
Jill is such an awesome mom. If our family was a business, Jill would be the operating manager, the project manger, the director of quality control, the secretary, and the consulting director for standard operating procedures. I'm the guy that got hired because I'm related to the owner. I sit in cubical number 14 playing online poker and I'm constantly being accused of stealing other employees lunches out of the work fridge. Well, not the entire lunch, just the juices boxes and ho ho's. I once turned in a reimbursement receipt for a Nintendo wii claiming it would better my typing skills. Everybody in the office hates me because my sales numbers are always weak but yet I drive a H2. What gives?
Suddenly the boss is out of town and now I'm in charge. Am I drunk with power...? I should be but I'm not. I feel a sense of responsibility of not ruining the family business. I'm trying, but I'm just not as good as Jill. Out of 6 possible meals, Jett and I have eaten out or ordered out for uuummm...ALL SIX meals. The money from those 6 meals would be 2 weeks of groceries in Jill's hands. The house is a tornado, we're eating like crap, and Jett has watched more TV in the last 36 hours than he has in the last year. When is Jill coming home?
This morning Jett and I went to IHOP f0r breakfast. We shared a booth and used the crayons to color trees and buffaloes. Jett got a cheeseburger and fries, I got the steak and eggs. Once our food came, Jett nudged over and was sitting so close I could barely move my right arm. I was so uncomfortable I finally asked him to scoot over a little. He said to me, "Daddy, I want to snuggle with you." He leaned his head down and wedged it between my arm and body. I had no choice but to put my arm around him and hold him close. And that is how we sat for the rest of our breakfast. You know what I learned, I need to start eating with my left hand more often.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Thursday, December 27, 2007
But There Was Always One
I can still remember when I was a kid waking up on Christmas morning. Usually it was around 4am when I would run to the living room and tear through my stocking. Nothing out of the ordinary, just the usual bmx magazine, skater stickers, and candy. It's the perfect remedy to hold over a restless kid for a few more hours. (my mom knew what she was doing) I would go through present by present separating out the ones that had my name on them. Part of the fun was the anticipation, guessing what each one could be. Then the moment was finally a reality, all the waiting and guessing would turn to discovery and excitement. But there was always one...one present that would stand above the rest. One year it was my BMX predator, another year it was a Nintendo. Whatever it was, it provided endless hours of enjoyment. But as I got older the thrill would start to fade. Presents didn't provide hours of entertainment, I started to sleep in more, and my one special present had transitioned from a bike to a home depot gift certificate.
All of that to say, this year there was something I got that stood above the rest. It almost brings me back to the days of my youth. It provides discovery, excitement, and hours of entertainment. This is going to seem anti-climatic, but my special gift was a letter from my wife. My wife wrote me a letter when we were dating and I always kept it in my wallet. It stayed in there for years until it literally disintegrated in the leather. Every once in a while I would pull it out and read the words that revealed my girlfriend's love. Whenever I needed the encouragement the letter would always make me smile. This year my wife wrote me a new letter to go in my wallet. I'm sure I will read it hundreds of times like the previous, I'm sure it will fade over years, I'm sure one day it will be gone. But until the day my wife writes me a new one, it is the one present that stands above the rest.
I'm honest enough to share the down times in my marriage, so I want to be honest enough to share the good as well. Here is a portion of the letter:
"...You are the most loyal of friends anyone could have. Your core spirit of generosity is infectious and has changed who I am today. I love your talents and your constant striving for new things, that you are not afraid. I love that you will pass that amazing gift onto our children. I love the way you love our kids. (even when it's too much in their space :) ) Dylan knows that his father loves him with all that he has - what else does he need..."
Jill, I'm humbled that you would say such kind things to me. I love you for it.
All of that to say, this year there was something I got that stood above the rest. It almost brings me back to the days of my youth. It provides discovery, excitement, and hours of entertainment. This is going to seem anti-climatic, but my special gift was a letter from my wife. My wife wrote me a letter when we were dating and I always kept it in my wallet. It stayed in there for years until it literally disintegrated in the leather. Every once in a while I would pull it out and read the words that revealed my girlfriend's love. Whenever I needed the encouragement the letter would always make me smile. This year my wife wrote me a new letter to go in my wallet. I'm sure I will read it hundreds of times like the previous, I'm sure it will fade over years, I'm sure one day it will be gone. But until the day my wife writes me a new one, it is the one present that stands above the rest.
I'm honest enough to share the down times in my marriage, so I want to be honest enough to share the good as well. Here is a portion of the letter:
"...You are the most loyal of friends anyone could have. Your core spirit of generosity is infectious and has changed who I am today. I love your talents and your constant striving for new things, that you are not afraid. I love that you will pass that amazing gift onto our children. I love the way you love our kids. (even when it's too much in their space :) ) Dylan knows that his father loves him with all that he has - what else does he need..."
Jill, I'm humbled that you would say such kind things to me. I love you for it.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Merry Christmas
Merry Merry Christmas, I pray you all had a blessed day.
Quote of the day:
"God is in charge, then you mommy"
-My son Dylan Jett, age 3
How true, he couldn't have said it any better.
Quote of the day:
"God is in charge, then you mommy"
-My son Dylan Jett, age 3
How true, he couldn't have said it any better.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Interview #2 Nole
So my second interview is with my friend Nole Kennedy. Nole is one of my best friends...he's full of life and tells the best stories. Ironically we became better friends after he moved to Oregon. This interview is a long one...Nole doesn't give generic answers. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Enjoy, you might be next.
> Tell me about the moment when you knew you would marry carrie.
This is a really good question, and I don't know if there is a definite answer. I remember being on tour and the van braking down and being stranded in the middle of nowhere in Colorado. Carrie and I were talking on the phone and sorta got in an argument about me being away and tour and whatnot. As were were arguing and I sorta just felt like it was a turning point. Either we were going to break up right then or I was going to marry her. After our conversation, I took a little hike by a river and just remember crying at the thought of not being with her. It really rocked me to even think about it. I guess right then I knew that I had to be with her forever.
> Why the drums?
Actually, I really, really wanted to play the saxophone. When my mom went to the band meeting at my elementary school, she talked with the band director and learned that renting a sax was over $40 a month while renting a snare drum was $10. Knowing that as a hyper fourth grader I struggled to commit to anything for a long time, she opted for the cheaper instrument without my consent. When she came home and told me, I cried and cried and cried. But in thinking about it, how could I play anything but the drums?
> What makes you laugh?
Alot of things. The Office, Mitch Hedburg, my students, my wife. But overall, the thing that makes me laugh the most is sharing stories and memories with people.
> What makes you cry?
Alot of things. Extreme home make over, the war, missing my family/ friends, true to life movies. But overal, the thing that makes me cry the most is thinking about how lucky I am in life compared to so many others.
> What do you daydream about?
I day dream mostly about being a dad. It is really scary to think about for me, so I guess I am constantly thinking about what this going to be like.
> If you weren't a teacher you would be doing what?
If I wasn't married (and therefore wanting to be at home) I'd be a musician still. If I was married, but couldn't be a teacher, I guess I'd like to work as a music/movie critic; thought I know that would probably be unlikely. If I had to pick something likely, I'd probably be doing construction.
> What was your first impression of me?
This is a great question. I remember instantly liking you a lot; but honestly, I kinda remember thinking that your musical taste was limited. Looking back, I think I was really arrogant and thought I was so much better than everyone because I liked "underground" music and played in this really cool band. I guess I was kinda an a-hole.
> Why did we become better friends after you moved away?
Such a great question, and one I wonder about. I mean, we were friends before (hanging out at Journey, going out after church, and you married me and Carrie!) but I agree that after I moved we became even closer than before. I think that had to do with the fact that I really didn't want to lose you as a friend, so I just made sure to call you a lot. Also, I think that while I was in Phoenix, it was easy to not make a large effort to stay in your daily life because I knew that I would see you at church and whatnot. But now, living so far away, I know that if we don't make the effort, we wont see each other often enough to stay close friends.
> If you could make yourself change in one way, what would it be?
I think it would be my mouth. Not literally (though I do have huge lips), but figuratively. Sometimes I commandeer conversations and talk too much. I don't intentionally try be rude, but sometimes I look back at a conversation and realize that I talked the entire time and no one else got a word it. It sucks. Also, sometimes I can be very cutting and rude with my words, especially to Carrie. I hate that about my self.
> If you could go back in time and give yourself advice, what would it be?
To invest in an online poker site. No really, I think I would tell myself to try and learn to not talk so much.
> Tell me a funny story about teaching.
One day I got a new Pac-Man game for my work computer. I had read online that the top score was over a million points and I was determined to beat that score. So, decided to give my students busy work (that they could do in small groups) and set to demolishing that record. I literally played every minute of the every period. I was getting close to the high score, and just could not stop playing. Toward the end of the last period, my principal walked in the room to see what we were doing, but I was so focused on my game I didn't even notice. He walked around the room chatting with kids and seeing what they were working on. He must have been in my room for a full four minutes with out me noticing. Then he walked up to my desk (and could only see the back of my computer) and said, "Keep up the good work." And then he turned and walked out. I was shocked and couldn't believe that he didn't notice. I was about to get up and actually start teaching, but then I decided that the chances of my boss coming back in were slim to none, so I just keep on playing!
> If you were to write a love letter to carrie right now, what would the first two sentences be? You are my life. Without you, I simply could not go on.
> Tell me about the moment when you knew you would marry carrie.
This is a really good question, and I don't know if there is a definite answer. I remember being on tour and the van braking down and being stranded in the middle of nowhere in Colorado. Carrie and I were talking on the phone and sorta got in an argument about me being away and tour and whatnot. As were were arguing and I sorta just felt like it was a turning point. Either we were going to break up right then or I was going to marry her. After our conversation, I took a little hike by a river and just remember crying at the thought of not being with her. It really rocked me to even think about it. I guess right then I knew that I had to be with her forever.
> Why the drums?
Actually, I really, really wanted to play the saxophone. When my mom went to the band meeting at my elementary school, she talked with the band director and learned that renting a sax was over $40 a month while renting a snare drum was $10. Knowing that as a hyper fourth grader I struggled to commit to anything for a long time, she opted for the cheaper instrument without my consent. When she came home and told me, I cried and cried and cried. But in thinking about it, how could I play anything but the drums?
> What makes you laugh?
Alot of things. The Office, Mitch Hedburg, my students, my wife. But overall, the thing that makes me laugh the most is sharing stories and memories with people.
> What makes you cry?
Alot of things. Extreme home make over, the war, missing my family/ friends, true to life movies. But overal, the thing that makes me cry the most is thinking about how lucky I am in life compared to so many others.
> What do you daydream about?
I day dream mostly about being a dad. It is really scary to think about for me, so I guess I am constantly thinking about what this going to be like.
> If you weren't a teacher you would be doing what?
If I wasn't married (and therefore wanting to be at home) I'd be a musician still. If I was married, but couldn't be a teacher, I guess I'd like to work as a music/movie critic; thought I know that would probably be unlikely. If I had to pick something likely, I'd probably be doing construction.
> What was your first impression of me?
This is a great question. I remember instantly liking you a lot; but honestly, I kinda remember thinking that your musical taste was limited. Looking back, I think I was really arrogant and thought I was so much better than everyone because I liked "underground" music and played in this really cool band. I guess I was kinda an a-hole.
> Why did we become better friends after you moved away?
Such a great question, and one I wonder about. I mean, we were friends before (hanging out at Journey, going out after church, and you married me and Carrie!) but I agree that after I moved we became even closer than before. I think that had to do with the fact that I really didn't want to lose you as a friend, so I just made sure to call you a lot. Also, I think that while I was in Phoenix, it was easy to not make a large effort to stay in your daily life because I knew that I would see you at church and whatnot. But now, living so far away, I know that if we don't make the effort, we wont see each other often enough to stay close friends.
> If you could make yourself change in one way, what would it be?
I think it would be my mouth. Not literally (though I do have huge lips), but figuratively. Sometimes I commandeer conversations and talk too much. I don't intentionally try be rude, but sometimes I look back at a conversation and realize that I talked the entire time and no one else got a word it. It sucks. Also, sometimes I can be very cutting and rude with my words, especially to Carrie. I hate that about my self.
> If you could go back in time and give yourself advice, what would it be?
To invest in an online poker site. No really, I think I would tell myself to try and learn to not talk so much.
> Tell me a funny story about teaching.
One day I got a new Pac-Man game for my work computer. I had read online that the top score was over a million points and I was determined to beat that score. So, decided to give my students busy work (that they could do in small groups) and set to demolishing that record. I literally played every minute of the every period. I was getting close to the high score, and just could not stop playing. Toward the end of the last period, my principal walked in the room to see what we were doing, but I was so focused on my game I didn't even notice. He walked around the room chatting with kids and seeing what they were working on. He must have been in my room for a full four minutes with out me noticing. Then he walked up to my desk (and could only see the back of my computer) and said, "Keep up the good work." And then he turned and walked out. I was shocked and couldn't believe that he didn't notice. I was about to get up and actually start teaching, but then I decided that the chances of my boss coming back in were slim to none, so I just keep on playing!
> If you were to write a love letter to carrie right now, what would the first two sentences be? You are my life. Without you, I simply could not go on.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Happy Birthday Jill
Today is Jill's birthday and I thought I would dedicate this post to her. Here is an excerpt from an email I sent about 3 months ago. I still feel the same today as I did then.
"...You are the love of my life. You’re the only lover I have ever known, and I am your’s. Nobody knows me better, you’re the one I talk to when I lay in bed. You’re so patient with all my flaws…my impulsiveness, my strong will, my selfishness. You deserve so much better but I thank God we are together. You are an amazing mother. Any good parenting I know was learned from you. I love the way you kiss our kids…and I love it when you kiss me. You’re the person I want to grow old with. My favorite memory of you (I have a billion, but this is a new one) the moment Cadence was born, she grabbed your finger and put it to her face. I have never seen you so happy. It makes me cry..."
Happy Birthday Jill
"...You are the love of my life. You’re the only lover I have ever known, and I am your’s. Nobody knows me better, you’re the one I talk to when I lay in bed. You’re so patient with all my flaws…my impulsiveness, my strong will, my selfishness. You deserve so much better but I thank God we are together. You are an amazing mother. Any good parenting I know was learned from you. I love the way you kiss our kids…and I love it when you kiss me. You’re the person I want to grow old with. My favorite memory of you (I have a billion, but this is a new one) the moment Cadence was born, she grabbed your finger and put it to her face. I have never seen you so happy. It makes me cry..."
Happy Birthday Jill
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
My New Truck
Today I officially bought the little white truck from Israel. It's a lot different from the last vehicle I owned, a new BMW. I loved that car. It was my dream car as a kid and pleasure to own as an adult. It had leather interior, run flat tires, individual climate control, infinity sound, sun roof, adaptive steering, and a v6 235hp engine. What could be wrong with this car? Nothing...except for me driving it. Driving a BMW represents success, superior quality, and status. These are all things that are used to further separate the elite from the marginalized. As a Christ follower, it is hard for me to own something that symbolizes power, wealth, and pride when I feel that I'm called to servitude, generosity, and humility. Getting rid of my BMW was a process necessary for me to live with humility and non-materialism. The sad thing is, this is my third time going through this. (I previously sold a wrangler and a Harley truck going through the same period of reflection...hopefully this time it sticks) My new truck, a 96 Chevy s10, has a 4 cylinder engine, cloth seats with a seat cover, no radio, power nothing, and a slight oil leak. What could be right with this truck? Nothing...except for me driving it.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Pet Peeve
I'm not a gambler. I play poker. That is my biggest pet peeve. Many people can't make the distinction because they don't understand the game. Even by writing about poker, many will think I'm a hypocrite and in desperate need of an intervention. Honestly, I don't like talking about poker in public. I fear that I'll be judged. Playing poker is not about being lucky, it's about understanding statistics and human behavior. The better you are at math and psychology, the better you will perform. Opening a new restaurant or being a day trader is gambling, what I do isn't nearly as risky. I told my mom that I pray that God helps me make good decisions before I play and she about had a heart attack. You should have seen the look on her face. I named my blog "as honest as I can be" and this is who I am. If you happen to remember, can you please not call me a gambler?
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Two Things from Tonight
I feel like it's been forever since I've blogged last. I know it's only been four days but I've missed doing this. We celebrated my wife's birthday tonight at her sister's house. Getting the families together is always nuts because my nephew and Jett are little tornadoes. They jump and crash with reckless abandon. It's actually kind of fun to watch at times and other times you just want to kick them in the knees so they stop moving. Two things stood out to me tonight.
First, this is the first time my father in law has looked old to me. Marty is a man among men. Not with stature, but with character and amazing work ethic. Marty is the guy that kicked my butt hiking up Squaw Peak just to put me in my place. Marty is the guy who has hiked the Canyon every year for the last 20 years (and never trains). Marty is the guy who can hang sheet rock on the ceiling with one hand and drill with the other. Tonight was the first time I noticed the wrinkles under his eyes. All of these feats that make him superhuman are starting to take its toll. It's a sign of how fast life passes by and there is nothing I can do to slow it down.
Second, Jill got a book from her sister. She started reading through some of the pages and paused for a moment. She handed me the booked and simply pointed at quote. It reads
I believe in the sun even when it isn't shining
I believe in love even when I am alone
I believe in God even when He is silent
(Graffiti found in 1945 on the wall of a basement in Koln, Germany, where a Jewish believer had been hiding from the Gestapo)
Sometimes my faith is so weak. I wish I were more like this man.
First, this is the first time my father in law has looked old to me. Marty is a man among men. Not with stature, but with character and amazing work ethic. Marty is the guy that kicked my butt hiking up Squaw Peak just to put me in my place. Marty is the guy who has hiked the Canyon every year for the last 20 years (and never trains). Marty is the guy who can hang sheet rock on the ceiling with one hand and drill with the other. Tonight was the first time I noticed the wrinkles under his eyes. All of these feats that make him superhuman are starting to take its toll. It's a sign of how fast life passes by and there is nothing I can do to slow it down.
Second, Jill got a book from her sister. She started reading through some of the pages and paused for a moment. She handed me the booked and simply pointed at quote. It reads
I believe in the sun even when it isn't shining
I believe in love even when I am alone
I believe in God even when He is silent
(Graffiti found in 1945 on the wall of a basement in Koln, Germany, where a Jewish believer had been hiding from the Gestapo)
Sometimes my faith is so weak. I wish I were more like this man.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
it will continue unless
I'm kind of a science nerd. Has anybody ever thought about rust? Rust is the product of water breaking down iron. When the oxygen in water combines with iron, it starts to corrode. It's a very slow and steady process. How can such a small element deteriorate such a strong product like iron? And it lives like a disease, once the oxygen has started the corrosion process, it will continue unless all the rust is removed. I haven't been sleeping well lately. It's been hard for me to fall asleep. My fear is that I still haven't fully dealt with my son's death and that the corrosion process has begun. I thought Cadence would fix some of my fears, but that hasn't quite happened. I think I've avoided the hard conversation with God and I've also avoided answering the even harder questions. This isn't something I'll probably talk about again.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
"Hey Daddy"
This morning I was in the mood for a Loaded Breakfast Burrito from Carl's Jr. I have a thing for unhealthy breakfasts. Cadence was taking a nap and Jill was getting ready to, so I asked Jett if he wanted to go with me to CJ. He always says yes because I usually buy him something like french fries or a shake. A small price to pay for good company. On the way there we had an interesting conversation. I'll replay it for you. (If you guys don't know, Jett just turned 3)
Jett: hey daddy
Me: yah, jett
Jett: where's my crackers
Me: sorry man, i think they're on the floor
Jett: hey daddy
Me: yah bud
Jett: i want to go to the zoo
Me: we can't today, we have to go to church later
Jett: why do we have to go to church
Me: because we get to learn about God
Jett: God...?
Me: yep, we learn about how much He loves us
Jett: daddy
Me: yah bud
Jett: where's God?
(i pause for a few seconds)
Me: Well, He's not a person, but He's all around us
Jett: around us?
Me: i'm sorry bud, i wish i could explain it better
Jett: it's okay
Jett: hey daddy
Me: yah bud
Jett: is God in the dark? (Jett's referring to when he's scared)
Me: yah bud, when you're scared and in the dark, God's with you
Jett: yah
Those are the moments I feel so inadequate as a father. I wish I would have thought through these questions before hand...seizing the moment with meaningful and digestible answers. This makes me want to do better. But as I type this, my son is sitting next to me playing with the matchbox cars I used to play with as a kid. I love that my son likes being close to me...because I love being close to him. These are the moments I cherish, this is what makes being a father so satisfying. As long as I work hard at this, I think I'll get more shots at meaningful and digestible answers.
Jett: hey daddy
Me: yah, jett
Jett: where's my crackers
Me: sorry man, i think they're on the floor
Jett: hey daddy
Me: yah bud
Jett: i want to go to the zoo
Me: we can't today, we have to go to church later
Jett: why do we have to go to church
Me: because we get to learn about God
Jett: God...?
Me: yep, we learn about how much He loves us
Jett: daddy
Me: yah bud
Jett: where's God?
(i pause for a few seconds)
Me: Well, He's not a person, but He's all around us
Jett: around us?
Me: i'm sorry bud, i wish i could explain it better
Jett: it's okay
Jett: hey daddy
Me: yah bud
Jett: is God in the dark? (Jett's referring to when he's scared)
Me: yah bud, when you're scared and in the dark, God's with you
Jett: yah
Those are the moments I feel so inadequate as a father. I wish I would have thought through these questions before hand...seizing the moment with meaningful and digestible answers. This makes me want to do better. But as I type this, my son is sitting next to me playing with the matchbox cars I used to play with as a kid. I love that my son likes being close to me...because I love being close to him. These are the moments I cherish, this is what makes being a father so satisfying. As long as I work hard at this, I think I'll get more shots at meaningful and digestible answers.
Friday, December 7, 2007
I take it back
So yesterday I was looking on the Cruise America website and found an amazing deal. Cruise America is a RV rental company with locations all across the US. All the RVs need to come to Mesa for maintenance each year. To get these Recreational Vehicles across the country they give people killer deals to travel one way from a given destination to Mesa Arizona. Well this works out for me because it would only cost me a one-way ticket and gas money.
I love traveling by RV...I mean LOVE. I've done it a couple of times and it's a blast. "Hey Jill, can you make me a sandwich?" "Go ahead a throw a hot pocket in the microwave." "Israel, did you use all the hot water in the shower?" These are all things I have said while driving down the interstate...literally. It's a vehicle and yet all the comforts of home...a beautiful relationship. I mentioned it to Jill and she wasn't nearly as excited as I was. Jill asked, "When would we have to travel?" "Ahhh, next week....?" I don't have to tell you how the rest of the conversation went. It was a mixed salad of, too soon, great deal, too busy, be spontaneous, what about work, it's something we could do as a family, the holidays, etc.
At the end of the conversation I found myself being very frustrated. I was having thoughts that went something like this. "I just wish my wife would embrace spontaneity." "I wish for once she would just say, let's go for it." "I wish she were more like me." Now that I've had time to think, I take it back. I don't want her to be like me. Two of me would be a disaster...an out of control disaster. Jill let's me get away with a ton, more than what I deserve. None of my friends have the freedom I have and yet I still want more.
Here's my observation. My marriage is like the RV. Jill is the vehicle...practical, necessary, stable, gets you moving ahead, etc. I'm the recreation...place to chill, cushy bed, card table for games, etc. Together they make for a pretty exciting life. But something interesting, the vehicle doesn't need the recreation, but the recreation needs the vehicle...without the vehicle, it would go no where. Too much recreation without enough vehicle makes for a pretty selfish life that doesn't go anywhere...not the kind I want to live.
I love traveling by RV...I mean LOVE. I've done it a couple of times and it's a blast. "Hey Jill, can you make me a sandwich?" "Go ahead a throw a hot pocket in the microwave." "Israel, did you use all the hot water in the shower?" These are all things I have said while driving down the interstate...literally. It's a vehicle and yet all the comforts of home...a beautiful relationship. I mentioned it to Jill and she wasn't nearly as excited as I was. Jill asked, "When would we have to travel?" "Ahhh, next week....?" I don't have to tell you how the rest of the conversation went. It was a mixed salad of, too soon, great deal, too busy, be spontaneous, what about work, it's something we could do as a family, the holidays, etc.
At the end of the conversation I found myself being very frustrated. I was having thoughts that went something like this. "I just wish my wife would embrace spontaneity." "I wish for once she would just say, let's go for it." "I wish she were more like me." Now that I've had time to think, I take it back. I don't want her to be like me. Two of me would be a disaster...an out of control disaster. Jill let's me get away with a ton, more than what I deserve. None of my friends have the freedom I have and yet I still want more.
Here's my observation. My marriage is like the RV. Jill is the vehicle...practical, necessary, stable, gets you moving ahead, etc. I'm the recreation...place to chill, cushy bed, card table for games, etc. Together they make for a pretty exciting life. But something interesting, the vehicle doesn't need the recreation, but the recreation needs the vehicle...without the vehicle, it would go no where. Too much recreation without enough vehicle makes for a pretty selfish life that doesn't go anywhere...not the kind I want to live.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Interview #1 My Wife
So I've decided to do a series of interviews with the people close to me. I'll try to make them personal and interesting. Be warned...an email of questions might be coming your way. I thought I would start with the one closest to me. My wife
Something that makes you laugh?
Dylan, usually at least once a day I crack up with him about something he says or does.
Something that makes you cry?
Our son Lincoln.
Something you day-dream about?
something I day dream about…this is a tough one, you know me mark…I’m not a dreamer…I’ll come back to this. Sadly enough I can’t think of anything, I guess that is why I am married to you…you dream extravagantly enough for the both of us.
First kiss?
my first kiss was you mark, unless you count when I was a little kid I used to kiss my one friends little brother to get them to leave us alone.
What do you regret?
I regret that I was and am too self conscious to try new things
If you were forced to move, where would you go?
if I were forced to move I would move to Portland
If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?
if I could change one thing about you it would be that you would pick up after yourself!
A smell that makes you smile?
a smell that makes me smile is eternity for men. You used to wear it in high school and it brings back good memories.
How did you know we would get married?
I knew we would get married as soon as we started dating because I felt safe.
Favorite wedding memory?
my favorite wedding memory is standing in the back behind the doors waiting to walk down the aisle with my dad. I was so nervous and excited.
Describe what it feels like to be in love?
what does it feel like to be in love…some days it feels amazing, like I couldn’t image life being any other way than it is at this very moment. It feels like security and full acceptance of who I am. Other days it is a choice. I know I am loved and that I love you…but sometimes I don’t “feel” like it.
Favorite picture?
the 2 favorite pictures that come to my mind off hand are for 2 different reasons. The first is one of you and Dylan wrestling on the bed in our arrowhead house. When I look at the picture I can hear the squeals of laughter and fun. The other picture is one of me holding Lincoln, even now thinking about it brings tears to me. Lincoln was crying and I was bringing him close to comfort him. It is a picture of perfect love between a mother and child…a lot of my raw emotions were captured in that picture.
What do you want for Christmas?
what I want for Christmas is a piece of jewelry that represents cadence.
Full Name?
Jill Eileen Roberts
Jill Eileen Roberts
Age?
Age 30…almost 31
Age 30…almost 31
What did you want to be as a kid?
As a kid I wanted to be a nurse or counselor
As a kid I wanted to be a nurse or counselor
Something that makes you laugh?
Dylan, usually at least once a day I crack up with him about something he says or does.
Something that makes you cry?
Our son Lincoln.
Something you day-dream about?
something I day dream about…this is a tough one, you know me mark…I’m not a dreamer…I’ll come back to this. Sadly enough I can’t think of anything, I guess that is why I am married to you…you dream extravagantly enough for the both of us.
First kiss?
my first kiss was you mark, unless you count when I was a little kid I used to kiss my one friends little brother to get them to leave us alone.
What do you regret?
I regret that I was and am too self conscious to try new things
If you were forced to move, where would you go?
if I were forced to move I would move to Portland
If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?
if I could change one thing about you it would be that you would pick up after yourself!
A smell that makes you smile?
a smell that makes me smile is eternity for men. You used to wear it in high school and it brings back good memories.
How did you know we would get married?
I knew we would get married as soon as we started dating because I felt safe.
Favorite wedding memory?
my favorite wedding memory is standing in the back behind the doors waiting to walk down the aisle with my dad. I was so nervous and excited.
Describe what it feels like to be in love?
what does it feel like to be in love…some days it feels amazing, like I couldn’t image life being any other way than it is at this very moment. It feels like security and full acceptance of who I am. Other days it is a choice. I know I am loved and that I love you…but sometimes I don’t “feel” like it.
Favorite picture?
the 2 favorite pictures that come to my mind off hand are for 2 different reasons. The first is one of you and Dylan wrestling on the bed in our arrowhead house. When I look at the picture I can hear the squeals of laughter and fun. The other picture is one of me holding Lincoln, even now thinking about it brings tears to me. Lincoln was crying and I was bringing him close to comfort him. It is a picture of perfect love between a mother and child…a lot of my raw emotions were captured in that picture.
What do you want for Christmas?
what I want for Christmas is a piece of jewelry that represents cadence.
Monday, December 3, 2007
30 minute post
So I've titled this one the 30 minute post. I'm forcing myself to stop typing after 30 minutes. Reason being, my blog entries have been taking too long. It takes me about 1 hour to write one paragraph. "Here's to Errol" took about 3 hours. That is no exaggeration. I love doing this but I think I have learned a few things about myself.
1. My desire to tell a good story has turned me into a perfectionist. I'm not a details person at all. But I have a strong desire for my blog to be interesting. I find myself re-reading my entry 7 or 8 times and constantly making revisions. I restructure sentences to make sure they make sense. And still at times, they don't make sense. I'm always inserting details that might give better imagery. All of this because...I want people to approve of my blog. My desire for perfection roots itself in my desire for acceptance.
2. I'm not a very good typer. I leave words missing and misspell words all the time. I don't want others to think I'm a remedial writer, so I comb over everything for mistakes. I was in the slow class for comprehension when I was little. I think it still bothers me at some level. Just to get over my own insecurities, I'm not going to do a spellcheck. [here's the sad thing, I said I wasn't going to spellcheck and I still did.]
3. I truly desire to be honest and real. Sometimes I type things that don't sound like anything that would come out of my mouth. I type it just because it sounds good, not because it lives in my heart. So I'll usually go back and reword it the way it would normally come out of my mouth. Even if it's less eloquent. It's the real me.
My desire is to share my heart with the community I love. Not because I think I have some magical words that are going to change anybody, but because the words help give definition to my thoughts. Thank you for b....
1. My desire to tell a good story has turned me into a perfectionist. I'm not a details person at all. But I have a strong desire for my blog to be interesting. I find myself re-reading my entry 7 or 8 times and constantly making revisions. I restructure sentences to make sure they make sense. And still at times, they don't make sense. I'm always inserting details that might give better imagery. All of this because...I want people to approve of my blog. My desire for perfection roots itself in my desire for acceptance.
2. I'm not a very good typer. I leave words missing and misspell words all the time. I don't want others to think I'm a remedial writer, so I comb over everything for mistakes. I was in the slow class for comprehension when I was little. I think it still bothers me at some level. Just to get over my own insecurities, I'm not going to do a spellcheck. [here's the sad thing, I said I wasn't going to spellcheck and I still did.]
3. I truly desire to be honest and real. Sometimes I type things that don't sound like anything that would come out of my mouth. I type it just because it sounds good, not because it lives in my heart. So I'll usually go back and reword it the way it would normally come out of my mouth. Even if it's less eloquent. It's the real me.
My desire is to share my heart with the community I love. Not because I think I have some magical words that are going to change anybody, but because the words help give definition to my thoughts. Thank you for b....
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Communion and Resolution
Tonight oneplace had it's annual communion feast. We don't have a ton of traditions, but this ones a goodie. The entire service was dedicated to remembering Christ's sacrifice for all. When I was young, communion was the time we got juice in plastic cups and wafers on a silver platter. I know this is a wonderful tradition for many churches and I have had many meaningful experiences in those churches. But the perks of being a pastor is that I get to retell the story using different words and different colors. The night consisted of worship, liturgy, prayer stations, a labyrinth, communion, and eating a feast. As I sat back and watched the night progress, I saw conversations filling the room, street people getting their first meal of the day, new bonds being formed, prayers being lifted to heaven, and a honest moment of remembering God's perfect grace. I sat on the edge of the stage and I remember thinking, "I love my church, how did I get to this point?" I've got the best job in the world...I get to love and serve people for a living. Thank you to all the supporters.
So here's a follow up to the fight Jill and I had last week. Things have settled and are much better now. Fights usually start off when one person says or does something that is not favorable to the other person. It can come on in an instant or it can be tension built up over time. The climax is usually when one person verbally vomits on the other person. It's not always a violent vomit, but it's still vomit. The other person doesn't like the feeling of being puked on so they retaliate by doing a little dry heaving of their own. Eventually both are standing in their own pile of vomit wondering "who's going to clean up this mess?" If one person feels that they deserved to be puked on, they'll clean up the mess (this is rare). Or if the puker believes they should have just let their stomach settle a little, they'll clean up the mess (this is rare as well). Usually what happens is two people will sit in their own vomit for a while and eventually say "this stinks, I'd rather put new clothes on". One person is put in charge of mopping and the other in charge of laundry...both taking responsibility of the mess they created together. But the most important thing to do after vomiting is brushing your teeth. Nobody likes that taste in their mouth. Cleaning up the mess is good, but cleaning the mess on your own teeth and tongue will only make your words sweeter the next time you open your mouth. Finally, the remnants of your old mess isn't on your breath any more. It's time for me to brush my teeth.
So here's a follow up to the fight Jill and I had last week. Things have settled and are much better now. Fights usually start off when one person says or does something that is not favorable to the other person. It can come on in an instant or it can be tension built up over time. The climax is usually when one person verbally vomits on the other person. It's not always a violent vomit, but it's still vomit. The other person doesn't like the feeling of being puked on so they retaliate by doing a little dry heaving of their own. Eventually both are standing in their own pile of vomit wondering "who's going to clean up this mess?" If one person feels that they deserved to be puked on, they'll clean up the mess (this is rare). Or if the puker believes they should have just let their stomach settle a little, they'll clean up the mess (this is rare as well). Usually what happens is two people will sit in their own vomit for a while and eventually say "this stinks, I'd rather put new clothes on". One person is put in charge of mopping and the other in charge of laundry...both taking responsibility of the mess they created together. But the most important thing to do after vomiting is brushing your teeth. Nobody likes that taste in their mouth. Cleaning up the mess is good, but cleaning the mess on your own teeth and tongue will only make your words sweeter the next time you open your mouth. Finally, the remnants of your old mess isn't on your breath any more. It's time for me to brush my teeth.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
"Here's to Errol"
Well, last night was simply epic. I explained a few days ago that I was throwing a re-bachelor party for an old friend. Just the idea of the party inspired the post called "Why can't you just be normal?" So here we go. I could probably write a book about the night, so I'll try to keep it brief.
The Set Up:
The key to setting the right mood for the evening is all about atmosphere. We started off by renting a 26 foot U Haul. Israel and I worked for about 3 hours and converted the entire back of the truck into a "bachelor pad". It had sofas, carpet, lighting, sound system, fans, coffee table, disco ball, a bob marley flag, a cooler with beverages, and a poster of Johnny Cash at Folsom Prison. It was near perfect. If the truck could talk it would say, "I've never felt better, let's get this party started."
The Momentum:
One by one I drove to every one's house picking people up. My phone was ringing off the hook with people saying, "when are you going to get here." With each stop the tension was building for the moment when we surprised Errol. Every time I rolled the back gate up, all the guys would scream, "aaahhh-ooohhhh". It was there way of saying welcome to the group. My last stop before Errol's was ASU West. The truck was literally rocking back and forth with sounds of laughter and wrestling. Nelson and Johnny come running in front of the U Haul waving their arms like crazy. I opened the gate one more time and it was official, this party was out of control (in a good way), something people will not soon forget.
The Heist:
We finally make it to Errol's after a hour and a half of acquiring party-goers. I get out of the truck and there is a deafening silence...a sign of the explosion to come. I knock on Errol's door and tell him it's time to go. He can see the U Haul from his front door and just starts laughing. We are both standing at the gate of the truck and I say to him, "you do the honors, go ahead and open." Errol slides the handle over and gives the gate one good push. "AAAAAAHHHHH-OOOOOHHHHH, EEERRRROOOLLLL" "It's your re-bachelor party, let's go!!!" The scene was perfect. Sam was handing him a drink, Israel was video taping, Rocky had his pants around his ankles, and everyone was mobbing him with hugs.
Short Road Trip:
We had a short drive to our first stop. The best part of driving was hearing the madness. I would pull up to a stop light and all of a sudden I hear everyone singing at the top of their lungs "no woman, no cry" by bob marley. I just laughed because I knew this ride was on point.
First Stop:
We went to one of Israel and I's old watering holes...the Fox and Hound. I parked the truck when I heard something say, "oh no, it's security." The security guy pulls up in his golf cart and looks directly in the back of the truck, then says, "I like the way you guys party...want a ride." We get into the place and start ordering food and drinks. Some are taking pictures, others playing pool, some playing golden t, but all of us sharing stories and laughing till our cheeks hurt. Every once in a while the group would spontaneously break into a chant, "ERR-OL, ERR-OL" This was our sign to raise our glasses and toast...to Errol. Now and then you would see party-goers pulling total strangers to the window and pointing out the U Haul we came in. Our waitress told me that our party was the best she had ever had...nicest and best tippers.
Getting Gas:
We stopped for gas on the way to our next stop. I think we scared all the other fellow gas pumpers, because they just stared in shear horror. I lifted the gate and everybody piled out. So here is the scene, music blasting out the back of a U Haul, guys leaning against the truck with cigars, rain pouring, and tackle football in the parking lot. It was awesome.
Road Trip 2:
This I cannot account for because I was driving, but resources tell me this ride was a rugby fest. Basically, whoever was holding the football was getting dog piled. And the football got passed A LOT.
Final Destination:
It's midnight and we arrive at our final stop. Some are confused and others know exactly where we are at. We have an entire rock climbing gym to ourselves. A good place to burn off that last bit of adrenaline. The staff was so patient with us because we were not the best listeners. I turned my back to get my harness, when I turned around, I see Israel, Kevin, and Johnny with their shirts off. I started cracking up and said, "what is this?" Kevin looked at me like I was as idiot and said, "it's shirts versus skins." Enough said.
The way home:
Everything started to settle down and everyone got home safe. With each drop off the momentum started to fade. People were getting sleepy and the music got quieter. The first person to get dropped off got hugs and cheers, but the last few only got a lazy "see ya, man." The party was coming to an end.
I never got to do a toast for Errol last night. But I have a drink right now so I'll raise my glass. Here's to Errol, to new beginnings and new adventures, to new chapters with unwritten endings, to old friends that would do anything for you, to new friends you would do anything for, to love, to hope, to laughter, here's to Errol...and here's to fire, oh wait, never mind.
Final thought, I brought the truck back this morning after a bit of cleaning. The guy went out to check the truck then came back a couple of minutes later. He showed a note to the manager and she said, "go check it again." Oh great, I did something to the ride that I'm gonna have to pay dearly for. He comes back inside and shows her the note again. She looks me dead in the eye and says, "You drove 178 miles???" I take a sigh of relief, with pride beaming across my face, I smile and say, "Yes...Yes we did."
The Set Up:
The key to setting the right mood for the evening is all about atmosphere. We started off by renting a 26 foot U Haul. Israel and I worked for about 3 hours and converted the entire back of the truck into a "bachelor pad". It had sofas, carpet, lighting, sound system, fans, coffee table, disco ball, a bob marley flag, a cooler with beverages, and a poster of Johnny Cash at Folsom Prison. It was near perfect. If the truck could talk it would say, "I've never felt better, let's get this party started."
The Momentum:
One by one I drove to every one's house picking people up. My phone was ringing off the hook with people saying, "when are you going to get here." With each stop the tension was building for the moment when we surprised Errol. Every time I rolled the back gate up, all the guys would scream, "aaahhh-ooohhhh". It was there way of saying welcome to the group. My last stop before Errol's was ASU West. The truck was literally rocking back and forth with sounds of laughter and wrestling. Nelson and Johnny come running in front of the U Haul waving their arms like crazy. I opened the gate one more time and it was official, this party was out of control (in a good way), something people will not soon forget.
The Heist:
We finally make it to Errol's after a hour and a half of acquiring party-goers. I get out of the truck and there is a deafening silence...a sign of the explosion to come. I knock on Errol's door and tell him it's time to go. He can see the U Haul from his front door and just starts laughing. We are both standing at the gate of the truck and I say to him, "you do the honors, go ahead and open." Errol slides the handle over and gives the gate one good push. "AAAAAAHHHHH-OOOOOHHHHH, EEERRRROOOLLLL" "It's your re-bachelor party, let's go!!!" The scene was perfect. Sam was handing him a drink, Israel was video taping, Rocky had his pants around his ankles, and everyone was mobbing him with hugs.
Short Road Trip:
We had a short drive to our first stop. The best part of driving was hearing the madness. I would pull up to a stop light and all of a sudden I hear everyone singing at the top of their lungs "no woman, no cry" by bob marley. I just laughed because I knew this ride was on point.
First Stop:
We went to one of Israel and I's old watering holes...the Fox and Hound. I parked the truck when I heard something say, "oh no, it's security." The security guy pulls up in his golf cart and looks directly in the back of the truck, then says, "I like the way you guys party...want a ride." We get into the place and start ordering food and drinks. Some are taking pictures, others playing pool, some playing golden t, but all of us sharing stories and laughing till our cheeks hurt. Every once in a while the group would spontaneously break into a chant, "ERR-OL, ERR-OL" This was our sign to raise our glasses and toast...to Errol. Now and then you would see party-goers pulling total strangers to the window and pointing out the U Haul we came in. Our waitress told me that our party was the best she had ever had...nicest and best tippers.
Getting Gas:
We stopped for gas on the way to our next stop. I think we scared all the other fellow gas pumpers, because they just stared in shear horror. I lifted the gate and everybody piled out. So here is the scene, music blasting out the back of a U Haul, guys leaning against the truck with cigars, rain pouring, and tackle football in the parking lot. It was awesome.
Road Trip 2:
This I cannot account for because I was driving, but resources tell me this ride was a rugby fest. Basically, whoever was holding the football was getting dog piled. And the football got passed A LOT.
Final Destination:
It's midnight and we arrive at our final stop. Some are confused and others know exactly where we are at. We have an entire rock climbing gym to ourselves. A good place to burn off that last bit of adrenaline. The staff was so patient with us because we were not the best listeners. I turned my back to get my harness, when I turned around, I see Israel, Kevin, and Johnny with their shirts off. I started cracking up and said, "what is this?" Kevin looked at me like I was as idiot and said, "it's shirts versus skins." Enough said.
The way home:
Everything started to settle down and everyone got home safe. With each drop off the momentum started to fade. People were getting sleepy and the music got quieter. The first person to get dropped off got hugs and cheers, but the last few only got a lazy "see ya, man." The party was coming to an end.
I never got to do a toast for Errol last night. But I have a drink right now so I'll raise my glass. Here's to Errol, to new beginnings and new adventures, to new chapters with unwritten endings, to old friends that would do anything for you, to new friends you would do anything for, to love, to hope, to laughter, here's to Errol...and here's to fire, oh wait, never mind.
Final thought, I brought the truck back this morning after a bit of cleaning. The guy went out to check the truck then came back a couple of minutes later. He showed a note to the manager and she said, "go check it again." Oh great, I did something to the ride that I'm gonna have to pay dearly for. He comes back inside and shows her the note again. She looks me dead in the eye and says, "You drove 178 miles???" I take a sigh of relief, with pride beaming across my face, I smile and say, "Yes...Yes we did."
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