Just got back from Oregon

I just got back from a week long trip to Oregon. I can’t wait to share some stories, but I’ll reserve that for the next post. Here some thoughts from the last week.

“The human heart is not designed to go that deep with a person just to back out.” This is a quote from my friend Quinn. He was speaking of a personal experience but I’ve found it to be universally profound. It makes me wonder about the risks we take in life. Not the risk of what school to go to or whether or not to move to Oregon. I’m talking about something much riskier. I’m talking about the risk of loving another. We humans like to throw ourselves into these situations where there is a strong likelihood of attachment and pain. This will exist on varying levels for all of our relationships. The pain might be mild like a daughter moving away from home or a fight with your husband over money. Or the pain could be great like illness or loss. It’s not something many people think about when giving love away. But there is an underlying reality. That is if love exists, pain will exist as well. And the greater you love, the greater possibility of pain. Even the couple who has shared a blissful marriage for fifty plus years knows that one day one of them will live without the other. We allow ourselves to attach knowing well that if that connection were to ever disappear, our world would start to unravel.

We had just gotten done with dinner on the first day of our trip to Oregon. We all made the easy decision to go get ice cream across the street. I was in the shop combing over the flavors when I realized Kati and Israel were standing outside in the cold. I didn’t know for sure, but it looked like they were praying. Kati got a phone call from a family member that there was an emergency at home. Kati’s cousin Shawn has a daughter named Paige. Kati didn’t have any details except for one. Paige collapsed and wasn’t breathing. I don’t even want to imagine the horror of being the father in this situation. I look at my son who is roughly the same age and began to tear up. On the drive back to the hotel Kati got another phone call. I don’t know any details but I can hear her weeping in the back seat. The sound of her cry makes my heart flutter for a second and puts a knot in my stomach. No words are shared…it’s the profound silence that tells the result.

My heart aches for Shawn and Kristy…to give this much love to another and to feel this much pain when she's gone. My experience was unique because Lincoln was an infant. My memories of him only span those 18 days. Shawn and Kristy have years of memories, more experiences than could fit into a mind. These words were never more fitting: the human heart is not designed to go that deep with a person just to back out.

The main reason I went to Oregon was to visit with friends. We did a bunch of stuff that I will blog about later but one of my favorites was playing heads-up poker with Nole. Most of our conversation centered on trying to outplay each other. But one time we took a break. Nole knew about the stuff Kati’s family was going through. He asked me about my past experiences and how I was doing. The conversation led to a question like this, “Were you scared to try and have kids again?” My response was, “yes, very scared. But my desire to love again far out weighs my fear of pain. I don’t know does that make sense?” Nole said, “Yah man, it makes perfect sense.”

Here is my prayer for Shawn and Kristy. I pray that you are not consumed by the hurt you feel inside. I pray that when the clouds start to break you will have hope. May God bring rest to your souls.