things I miss about me

Have you ever misplaced something you really enjoy only to find it some time later? Maybe it’s a shirt you left at a friend’s house. Maybe it’s a cd you lost in your car. Maybe it’s a love letter from the past. Everybody can relate to that feeling of excitement knowing that you recaptured this “thing”. Because it’s not just the object, it’s also the feelings associated with the object. It’s not any shirt, it’s the shirt you bought at your first concert. It’s the cd you always put in on road trips. It’s the love letter that made you realize that you were going to marry this person.

I was fifteen when my sister gave me a hat from the University of Arizona. I loved this hat. It was fitted. It had the basic logo. It had no insignia on the back. These are all the things that made this hat perfect. I probably wore this hat everyday for three years straight. But when I left for college I remember leaving this hat behind. I don’t even know why. I guess subconsciously I wanted something different. For years this hat was hidden somewhere at my parent’s house. My mom had cleaned out my room and stored a bunch of stuff in the garage…boxes and boxes of junk. Then one day, without even looking for it, my hat came back to me. I was looking for an empty box when I stumbled into some old clothes. The item at the very top was my U of A hat flattened like a pancake. I went to the nearest mirror, re-cranked the bill, and tried it on. It was old and familiar. I’ve been wearing it ever since.

I have gone through all of this to tell you that I’ve misplaced something very special to me. Something I’ve had since I was 19. I lost it a couple of years ago and can’t seem to find it anywhere. I’ve lost my desire to create music. Music has been a huge part of my life for the last decade. I’ve played all over and have had so many great experiences. I remember practicing until my fingers were about to fall off. I never knew what time it was and hours felt like minutes. I remember when my band was playing its first show. I think I only slept for a couple of hours. I remember playing at a midnight service for a local church. I got to play one of my originals in front of about 2500 people. I remember Israel coming over and sharing new hooks he was working on. My legs would jitter because I was so anxious to add a new layer that would compliment the melody. I remember when I would stay up late and play guitar in the bedroom closet. I played there because I didn’t want to wake anyone up but still sing with all my heart. These days are long over. I’ve lost it and now I’m trying to find it again.

Last week my friends Matt and Andrew asked me to come play music with them. No schedule, no agenda…just for fun. At first I didn’t know how to respond. The idea of playing for recreation was foreign to me. And you know what, it was amazing. I found something better than that ragged hat or concert t shirt. I found that part of me that loves music…the thrill of melodies filling a room…the presence of something beautiful created from my hands. (well, some beautiful, some not so beautiful) This experience has inspired me to rekindle a passion from the past. Like going to an old flame and saying, “can we try this one more time?” I played last night…I played for hours. Nothing significant came of it. It’s not like I wrote a hit song that is going to change the world. But the feelings of being able to express and create through music…yeah those things…those are the things I miss about me.